Lauri and I broke up three days ago.

I have to admit it was my fault. He said many things that hurt me the past while; therefore I did things that were equally as bad. It is normal for him to be jealous seeing me meeting many guys. It was my fault for not being honest about the whole deal between Rick and I.

But my intention was good. The last thing I need was having him worry so much about me.

In return he said I should be given a second chance with Rick. But I don't want that. I tried hard to mend the relationship. But I got very tired. It wasn't the first time he tried breaking up with me; and it has always been me who tried to keep us together.

He said it's done. That there's nothing to repair. It was then that I finally gave in.

Surprisingly I didn't cry. Maybe I've cried too much before. There was never once that I didn't cry myself to sleep. And now, I just couldn't anymore.

Late yesterday night we exchanged texts. I asked him if I can have the ticket he bought for me to go to London. I said I will pay him back gradually but he wanted me to pay 50% of the airfare because he apparently doesn't trust me in paying him back. I told him my situation - that I can't just fork out over €200 at one go but he doesn't seem to understand.

He said I shouldn't go to Europe because it is expensive and I won't be able to survive. Then he said maybe he can just keep the ticket for himself.

Obviously I know that is impossible because the ticket is under my name. Maybe he simply forgot. I talked to Ed and he advised me to just let it be. That he'll get me a new one should I still want to go to Europe.

I told Lauri he can keep his ticket. That I don't need it after all.

Then I received a text message from him:

I have to say you're one fucking bitch.

I questioned him why am I a bitch for wanting to buy my own ticket. He said I'm stupid for not realizing that he can't use the ticket since it's practically mine. He started calling me names - saying I took advantage of people; misused their trust; self-centered. He said our relationship has always been 'just a game' to me from the very beginning. He said he doesn't want to have anything to do with me anymore; that someday I'll be facing the same thing I did to him.

That was when I finally cried. I loved him. And perhaps I still do. It never cross my mind he will act this way - calling me names.

Months back I would've done the same. I would've called him names; I would've cursed. But I decided to not do that. And I doubt I can. He's been a huge part of me the past year and I can still picture very clearly that image of us dancing under the moonlight at the harbor.
I just can't bring myself to utter all the bad words. So I kept quiet. I let him let out whatever he needed to say.

He was after all the person I once able to picture myself with in a long run. The one I didn't mind having babies with. Therefore I decided to forgive; for with that comes peacefulness.


I know what he's going through. My next pay and the one after that -- I will transfer those to him :) I just hope at some point he'll realize that I did love him; that I was serious about us; that it wasn't just a game to me..

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It's almost 5am but I still can't bring myself to sleep. A friend of mine from Poland dragged me out for movie - we watched Terminator Salvation.

I was never a fan. But I still think the movie was rather good though perhaps a bit too violent for my liking.